


How can you love me

by orphan_account



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Depressed Tony Stark, Fluff, Heavy Angst, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Schizophrenia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-06-30 11:38:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19852393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Tony can't stand himself... but nobody knows that. Until he gets captured by Loki, that's where all his walls start to fall down.





	1. Not for me

**Author's Note:**

> Hi this is my first fanfic, please tell me how you like it!
> 
> (it's short I know)
> 
> I don't own Marvel.

Tony collapsed, jumping off the treadmill exhausted. “Hey Cap, why am I doing this again?” Steve had shoved him to the training floor of the tower and told Tony that he had to work out some more to get ready for upcoming missions. He didn’t understand why Steve wanted him to “buff up some more.”

He had slept around seven hours for the entire week, but that already was like a new record compared to the three to five hours he usually slept. Now if it was any other day, Tony would say that he was well-rested but that’s when he was working in his lab. He was used to sitting down and engineering things, typing down code and generally, not being so active so this abrupt training session left him breathless and exhausted.

“It’s because you needed to be ready for anything,” Steve called back, not even looking up from the newspaper that he was reading. _Seriously, who reads those things anymore?_

“I have my suit if I need to fight. It’s more powerful than anything you could inflict on an enemy.” He bragged. _Why not? His ego didn’t stoke itself._

Steve sighed and looked up at Tony, “What about if someone catches you without the suit?”

“That’s your turn then. Rescue me.” Tony grinned, teasing the old fashioned super-soldier. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I will be going. Some people have an actual job like running a company.” He called out, walking out the doorway.

“Pepper runs it for you, you don’t actually do anything,” Steve said back, staring at Tony.

“Well that’s a little mean,” Tony said, turning around looking wounded. “I’m the mastermind behind it, it’s not like she invents all of the genius, extraordinary things that go into the company. Now I’m going.”

 _Goddamn you Steve._ Tony wiped off the sweat on his brow and groaned. He had gone down to his lab after his little “workout” to try and get some work done but he was all sweaty and hot. Giving up he threw the Ipad he was working on down on the ground. It snapped in two. _Damn it!_ Tony reached down to pick up the two halves and threw it into the trash. This day was not looking up for him.

Thoroughly exhausted, he went upstairs to his room and not bothering to take off his clothes, yes he slept naked (usually), and promptly fell asleep.

He woke up in the darkness, upright and tied down. Eyes widening he panicked.


	2. It's always me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second chapter, I hope you like it!
> 
> This is also where it gets kind of angsty so if you are uncomfortable by it or violence, this chapter isn't for you

“Fuck… you,” He groaned. The guy punched him in the gut again. For the past hour or so the guy, had repeatedly been punching, kicking and overall, beating the absolute shit out of him. Not that he would admit out loud but it hurt like an absolute bitch. _You deserve it. You should be punished for everything you’ve ever done. What will your life mean to all those families you’ve destroyed. You should die here, alone and fearful like the millions you’ve killed with your crude weapons. You don’t deserve help from othe…_ He shut his eyes, willing the dark thoughts to go away. It was not good for his mind to start wandering back to before. _Fuck! I should have brought pills everywhere. This is a terrible time for them to wear off._

Waking up in the cold warehouse had left him panicking. When he got out of there… if he got out, Tony reckoned he would have to deal with cracked ribs and a whole body full of bruises. _But what did he care, if he died, the world would be better._

The next hit left him gasping for air. “As much as I love spending time with you lovely evil kidnappers, I would like to get to the, demands stage of the whole kidnapping part. Like what do you want, money, weapons, fame?” he managed to get out. Trying for the self-absorbed arrogant Tony Stark image that he forced himself to continue. _Though after Afghanistan…_ No, he couldn’t think about that. It would literally break him.

“Oh, we have what we want from you, now it’s just making sure it sticks.” Tony shivered. This place was bringing back memories and they weren’t good ones. _But that’s where you learned your lesson, think about it, Yinsen was… NO._

The guy looked up. “What did you say?” He had said the last part out loud.

“Um, no you haven’t even told me what you wanted. Yes, that’s it.” Nodding to himself he looked up. The guy smirked, “Yes we do.”

Ok so Tony had seen some messed up things so this hadn’t even made the list but looking at it, beat up, tired and almost insane it was pretty gross. Bob, as he had decided to name him started writhing. It was like there were worms everywhere crawling just right under his skin.

The skin tone whitened drastically like someone bleached it. His originally short-cropped blond hair became pitch black and rapidly grew out. Hazel eyes flashed before turning emerald green. His body looked like taffy as it stretched higher. Huge muscled arms shrank to a thinner but equally defined length. As the fast transformation finished Tony’s eyes widened. Standing before him with a ridiculously smug smirk was Loki, the younger son to Thor, the God of Mischief, leader of the Chitari and former prisoner of the Allfather.


	3. Why is it always me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again, hope you like this chapter!
> 
> Still angst w/ violence, you have been warned

“Wh-what are you doing here… You should be in prison!” Tony gasped, the fear shining through his eyes. Inside he was really panicking. Before he just thought that it was another normal kidnapping. Believe it or not, it happened on a regular basis. Everyone wanted to get their hands on something that Tony had, but no, the guy that lead an army of aliens through a portal, was a fucking god, had a mind control staff, and almost leveled New York had to be the one that kidnapped Tony in the middle of the night and carried him to this middle of nowhere place. Great, just great.

“Believe it or not, I am quite good at getting out of those little cages my father likes keeping me in. He always underestimates me. And to answer your question, remember that little nuke you used to kill the Chitari?” he grimaced. “Well they aren’t all dead and they aren’t happy with me, so I need to ‘chill out some’ like you mortals say. Your life might just satisfy by anger. Or it won’t, which then, the Avengers will also do.” This was not good, not good at all for Tony. One psychopathic god was mad at him and that was never a good thing.

“Can’t we just talk it out. You know, like civilized people? You tell me your problems and I’ll tell you mine. Well probably not all of them, I have got some stuff in my mind nobody wants to see.” Tony stopped. _Damn it. I went too far._ Looking at Loki he offered a hesitant smile. “Ok?”

-HHHHH-

“Not ok. Not ok. Alright I get it.” Rubbing his bruised jaw with his shoulder he grimaced. Loki had punched him after that little comment. That’s good. He’s too angry that he didn’t notice my little slip up. He really needed to get control of himself. He usually had loads of antidepressant pills and other different medications to help him get through the bad days. Having PTSD, being depressed, and being schizophrenic sucked, but the pills helped, a lot.

Sure they took their toll on him. He was often sick and had huge bouts of insomnia but he just blamed them on being a genius and drinking too much. The others always took it at face value and didn’t ask further. Thank god for the meds though as sometimes the nightmares and flashbacks were too much. He had started cutting himself, ever wonder why he always wore long sleeves after Afghanistan? Pepper had found out about it, of course, they were too close not to, and made him go to a therapist. It didn’t really help so they prescribed pills. Now they were a miracle. When ever he was feeling really depressed and hateful, he just popped some and they helped. It was probably not good for him but it was better than the alternative.

“So what are you going to do with me Loks?” Tony asked, trying to keep the crumbling facade up. Loki grinned, _well that’s not good._

Taking out a long slender knife, he held it against Tony’s throat. “I will kill you. I will cut you down to pieces and slit your throat just to heal you and do it all over again. When I’m done… well… you’ll be dead I guess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me how you like it!


	4. You can't hurt me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the fourth, I hope you like it!
> 
> Still angst, and well lots of violence

_Taking out a long slender knife, he held it against Tony’s throat. “I will kill you. I will cut you down to pieces and slit your throat just to heal you and do it all over again. When I’m done… well… you’ll be dead I guess.”_

“Do it.” Tony whispered before he could stop himself. _Kill me, make me suffer for the pain I’ve caused everyone. That would be the one good thing you’ve done in your life, kill me. If it would make you happy, it would certainly make me and a whole lot of people happy as well._

\- HHHHH -

Loki looked shocked, what can you expect. He just threatened someone and they told him to go on with it. _I never thought Tony was so… broken._ “No, I don’t think I will actually,” he said softly, now sad from the sudden revelation. “You will be staying here for a while so, get comfortable.” He waved his hand, transforming the place into a room that Tony could stay in, a bed, table, and everything else needed, though the walls were all made of thick layers of steel so that he couldn’t get out. Then after he freed him from the tight restraints, he walked out of the small room he made.

He had tried to exit dignified but after he got out the door, he ran, wrapping himself with his magic until he was back to safety. Just floating amidst strands of magic and random things that he put into this pocket of magic he used to hold everything out of sight, also serving as a place he went when he wanted to be alone. No one except for him could access this hidden space he had made for himself. _Tony Stark, weak and fragile, who knew? Just like me. Except he has everything, everything he wants, why would be so... isolated from everyone? Alone in our own worlds of suffering although I wouldn’t expect him to be so… different from what I saw in our battle. Arrogant, charismatic, bold… he has definitely changed. Ugh, how was he supposed to threaten and torture someone that didn’t care for their own safety.._ suddenly he had an idea.

-HHHHH-

He stood in front of the door. _What do you think Tony is doing… Damn it, just open the door Loki._ He walked in and… immediately panicked again, rushing up to Stark. “Come on! Did you really have to.. Oh fuck.” Concentrating on his arm he let his magic flow through the jagged cuts, transforming broken lines into unblemished skin.

-HHHHH-

After Loki left, Tony saged down against the wall. _In, out, in out, focus on breathing. Calm down, it’s ok, you’re fine, you’re kidding yourself. He sighed, this was never going to work. Sitting down, his mind drifted, what did Loki want now? He saw a glimpse of me. Little broken me. He won't be able to get satisfaction by killing me. That would be fantastic if he was dumb enough to think he still could but at last, Loki’s probably smarter than most of the Avengers. He will find a new way to break me._ Tired from, well everything that had occurred that day, he crashed down on the bed, surprised at the softness. _Dang Loks, you got taste. Not that I don’t._ He smiled, and decided to take a break. Just a small nap, nothing more. His eyes fluttered closed and his breathing slowed as he fell asleep. _This day has been too crazy._


	5. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, more Tony angst. It will get better, please look forward to the next chapter!

_Tony turned around, back in Afghanistan. Seeing Yinsen lying on those bags of wheat, blood pooling under his limp body almost broke Tony again. “Yinsen, come on, we have to go, don’t die on me again, please.” He begged, pleading at the dying older man. “Don’t waste it, don’t waste your life,” Yinsen whispered, sighing and closing his eyes. “No Yinsen!” Tony looked at the lifeless body before him. “I’m so sorry, I tried,” he said, anguish clear in his deep brown eyes. Suddenly he heard a voice, Steve! Whipping his head around he faced Steve in the helicarrier. “Big man in a suit of armor, take that off, what are you?” Nothing, Nothing at all. “I’m nothing,” he answered. “Then you shouldn’t be here,” Steve snarled. No, no I shouldn’t. “Get out then, the real heroes will be here,” Steve said, turning back to Fury and the rest of the Avengers. Tony walked out the door. Suddenly he was back in his suit, bracing a nuke and flying into the portal, black nothingness stared right back at him. No. No. No. Never again would he go back, he needed to escape, needed to get out._

Suddenly he found himself upright in a bed he didn’t remember going to sleep in. Throwing off the covers he stumbled into the bathroom. Turning on the sink he ran his hands and arms through the stream of water, trying to wash all the blood of his hands. Except it was never physical. You would never expect the great Tony Stark to be a murderer, but he was. _No, please I didn’t do anything wrong._ His hands didn’t have blood on them, but actually, he had killed killers, thieves, monsters, and innocents. _I didn’t mean to kill them._ Thousands to millions of innocents slain by his weapons. _It wasn’t me, I didn’t fire the weapons!_ You didn’t, but you built them. He had thought he was doing good for the world. _You have never done anything good, just messed up the world further._ Battling oppressive enemies, but all he was doing was slaughtering people that had a life in front of them, except they would never get one. _Yes, now you see the damage you’ve done to people, people that had a family, people that wanted to love, to live life. YOU took that away from them._ The water... Afganistan... Yinsen. Hands now violently shaking he realized it wasn’t the best idea to use water right after having a nightmare from… his past. 

Turning off the water he looked up into the mirror hanging on the wall. A haunted, lost, crazed soul stared back. Tony was broken, inside. He smashed the mirror, cracks spider webbing out from his fist. Taking his hand off of the glass he marveled at the thin streams of blood leaking out of cuts and mixing with the water on them, turning his hands red. A little insane giggle burst out of his mouth, escalating to full out crazed maniac laughing. He couldn’t stop, it felt so good just to let all the craziness of the past hours flow through him through laughs and sobs. Grabbing a shard of glass that had fallen to the ground he raised it against his wrist. He ran the glass down his arm, hands shaking tremendously. Lightly at first but each time he went at it harder, angrier. _He didn’t deserve the pity he saw in Loki’s eyes. They should have killed him. He didn’t know why no one had succeeded in killing him._ Tony fought badly, sometimes on purpose even, but one of the other Avengers would always rescue him in time. At that thought, his hand tightened forcefully against the glass forcing it down deep into his forearm and cutting open his hand. _Hopefully, Steve doesn’t find me this time. I will get Loki to kill me… If I don’t bleed out right now._ Looking at his arms, they were a mess of blood, glass, and huge jagged cuts that ran down the length of his arm. Tony smiled, though it wasn’t one of happiness, it was a sad smile, one of someone that had given up. As he started to feel lightheaded he leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes for hopefully, the final time. His last thought was, _I’m sorry Yinsen, I’ve failed you._


	6. Pity for the broken souls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I updated again, enjoy!

_Goddamn Loki just had to come when he was ready to die and fix him up. Why did Loki have to save him? Can’t he see it’s for the best? Now crying from the frustration that, even without the Avengers, death still avoided him. He kidnapped me because he wanted to kill me but he saved me from killing myself. Fuck him, I will find a way to get out of here and end it, once and for all._

-HHHHH-

Loki looked at Tony again and sighed. The man was just sitting on the bed head in his hands and sobbing. He didn’t know what to do. He had limited encounters with mortals but from what he had seen, nobody was this… unstable. “Hey, Stark, what happened?” When he didn’t respond Loki walked over and put his hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t touch me,” Tony snarled at him, shrinking back from his hand. “Just… don’t.”

“I’m your captor, I don't think you’re in a position to be making demands,” Loki said, trying for a nonchalant attitude. Trying and failing. He knew that he had an underlying level of understanding and pity pooling in his heart. He didn’t like being on the receiving end of these feelings, he hated it, so he backed away and resumed his staring.

 _What he would give to understand him. To see what the great Tony Stark had lying deep within him. But he would never know, no one has ever let him into their lives and hearts. Why? Because all everyone else knew was that Loki caused mischief, lied, and was heartless. The first 2 were mostly true, but it was because the last one wasn’t. He always yearned for someone, someone to get to know him, the actual broken him._ The facade he kept up was not unlike Stark’s, but the conditions that brought those were different. Loki grew up different from everyone, but that was because he was an outcast, never understood and shunned by everyone. Tony grew up popular and surrounded by friends, but he had tremendous pressure from his dad to take over the company, so he hid his worries behind his walls, but it was right before he became Iron man that he truly broke, and Loki wished he could know what it was that did that to him.

Tony sighed, trembling. _Why did he have to break now? Life loved putting him up for the world to see. For people to see the public him and then find the real him. They always looked disappointed and stared at him with pity._ He absolutely hated that. Now, looking at Loki, it was different, understanding. He’d never seen that in someone that knew him before and it scared him. It scared the hell out of him because to understand, the other person would have to have gone through something similar and he didn’t want to have anything in common with Loki, he didn’t want to think about the similarities, even as they stared him in the face. No, that was something else he couldn’t think about. There were too many things that he pushed in the back of his mind and he was scared that he was going to have to look into them soon, too soon for him.

Suddenly Loki sat up and looked at him. “The Avengers are here,” was all he said.


	7. Trouble always finds me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if I did this chapter properly, it's weird sorry

“The Avengers are here,” Loki said looking at him.

“What? No! How’d they find this place?” He asked alarmed. Simultaneously wondering how he was going to deal with the team like this. He was not in a good shape to meet them. _What am I going to say? What am I going to do? Oh god, I’m fucked._ Running his hand shakily through his hair he silently panicked.

-HHHHH-

Loki observed Tony as he was first shocked, then grim and last as he started panicking. He could tell that Stark was nervous about something, probably meeting the Avengers again in his… state. Telling people about your problems sucked, you would always be scared. Scared that they wouldn’t accept it, that they would treat him differently, that they would ask too many questions. It was the same with him. He just hid it better than Tony. “I will be going, you can go back to your Avengers for now.”

“What! Why?” Tony sat up, clearly agitated now.

“Because your Avengers are here. I can’t stay here. Goodbye.” Loki says firmly. His magic was flashing warnings about how close they were. He had stayed till he really needed to go which was now. The Avengers would take him in if he stayed any longer. Stepping forward, he pulled his magic close and he was gone.

-HHHHH-

Tony, looking back on it, probably overreacted, but what could he say, he was confused. The Avengers had found them suddenly and Loki was just letting Tony escape. He didn’t want to go though. Not right then of course. He wasn’t ready to expose himself to anyone else yet. 2 were enough for him so he did the only thing he thought to do, he ran towards Loki. The door burst open, the rest of the Avengers barging in. Thor in his battle armor gripping Mjolnir, Bruce was hulked out, Natasha had her knives in her hand and Clint had an arrow set in his bow, and Steve was staring at him, shield in hand. Tony gave a small smile, mouthing _trust me_ and hoping that Steve understood, plunged into the cloud of magic and fell onto Loki.

-HHHHH-

“What are you DOING.” Loki yelled at Tony again. He was very shocked when Tony fell on him. They had untangled themselves and stood up, Tony smiling sheepishly and Loki furious. He didn’t know why Stark had followed him. He let Tony go, he could return to his mortal friends, but he chooses to pursue Loki. He really didn’t mind Tony coming along, actually, he was pleasantly surprised he chose him. It was only that He knew that it was because the other choice was far worse to both of them in that situation but inside he liked to think that he did it because he wanted to hang out with him more. Sighing he motioned that it was ok and that he could breathe that Loki wouldn’t be mad. Now, still in mild shock, he let Tony roam around the area. He looked like a little kid as he marveled at the magic space. Loki grinned, he loved seeing this side of Tony, the happy carefree, curious and absolutely stunning side. He loved his little quirked mouth when he smiled, the messy mussed hair. That was something he would hide in his mind though. He would never let Tony know because what if he didn’t feel the same, what if it never worked out. Relationships or love was never something that Loki really wanted but watching Tony explore around, maybe he could thaw his cold ice heart enough to slip in.


	8. Warm my cold heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, well this is a little fluff chapter for you guys, the next chapter gets angsty fassstttt though.
> 
> enjoy! :]

“Hey Stark, where do you want to go next?” They had spent the last few weeks traveling around the world. This was partially because both Tony and Loki didn’t want to be discovered by the rest of the Avengers.

Tony because he had hid from them, choosing instead to follow Loki. He couldn’t face the team with how he was doing as he still hadn’t fully healed, constantly having nightmares about Afghanistan. The conversation that was bound to happen was also something that Tony didn’t want to have. Tony would have to explain why he followed Loki without really explaining the real answer. He was still cautious about letting others know about his… condition. Even Loki, who knew already, could only extract a sentence or two each day from him before Tony closed off his mind again.

Loki also had to lie low as he was being hunted by SHIELD and the Avengers. He was supposed to be in prison on Asgard so the fact that they now knew he was on earth had led the secret organization to join the hunt for the escaped god. Search parties were sent out for both of them so each day or so, Loki teleported the both of them to a new location so no one could get a set location of where they are. Each time that SHIELD parties had found them, Loki grabbed Tony and they went somewhere else. That happened pretty often as SHIELD had access to a lot of different satellites and had spies everywhere. They hadn’t been caught, yet. 

“Um, where have we been to already? Paris, Rome, New York City, Shanghai, Moscow, London, Bangkok… oh and Barcelona. We can go somewhere in Alaska maybe?”

They were also using this opportunity to explore around. That was what they both said to themselves as least. They were really just using the time to get closer to each other. They spent lots of time walking around and talking to each other. Tony opened up more and Loki also shared some of his own struggles and hardships. They also got a lot of souvenirs and random toys. If Loki liked something and wanted it, he would pout and look at Tony and he always got whatever item he wanted. Tony bought it and, to make things interesting, would sometimes throw it as far as he could. Loki would just wrap his magic around it and it would instantly disappear as the magic absorbed it. They would smile and continue their stroll through the city. 

-HHHHH-

“I-I don’t t-think that this was a g-good idea,” Tony got out. Loki had brought them to a cabin in the middle of some woods all the way up somewhere in Canada. Not really Alaska but pretty much the same. Cold and snowy. In fact, it was snowing harshly, the wind lashing out against the frosted windows. They were sitting inside huddled close together near the small fire they made. The snow storm came upon them abruptly and they quickly froze down to their bones. That is what it felt like of course, they weren’t actually frozen. The wind and ice crept up through gaps in the small cabin so even with their feeble fire going, it was a very chilly night. Tony scooted closer and put his head on Loki’s chest. Needless to say, Loki was surprised, Tony had never done anything like that before so he just laid there frozen. He was scared Tony was going to move off any second but after he snuggled even closer and put his hand on his chest, Loki knew he was not going to move away. Hesitantly he brought his hand up to Tony’s head and slowly ran his hand through his short soft hair. 

Tony relaxed. Lying up on top of Loki with him stroking his hair, he stilled, comforted by the hand running through his hair and the warmth Loki gave out. He could barely feel the heat coming off of him but Tony blamed that on the fact that they were in the middle of a snowstorm. Closing his eyes he breathed in the scent of pine and winters and the faint smell underneath of worn cotton and earth. It was a deep and warm scent. He had smelled Loki sometimes as they walked together but this was what he really wanted to do, just stick his head on his chest and envelop himself in it. Coming out of his daydream, he noticed that the hand had stopped moving and that Loki was asleep. Smiling, he curled up closer to him and drifted off.


	9. I'm gone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning. Fluff at the start, heavy angst after SHIELD

“Tny, Tony, TONY!” Loki yelled at him.

“What, what is it?!” Tony shouted back, getting up and shaking his head groggily. He forced himself to open his eyes and stare down at Loki who had woken him up.

“You were sleeping on me,” he complained pouting again, “You wouldn’t get up.”

Grinning mischievously he put his head firmly back on Loki’s chest. “Then what makes you think I will now?”

“Hey! I’m trying to get up.” He whined. “I want to go and get foodddddd.”

“Jesus, you hungry bastard, let me sleep a little longer and you can go get food.” He said it trying to sound grumpy but he knew that fondness creeped up in his voice.

They ended up snuggling together and talking. This was the closest they’d gotten to each other in their little “vacation” and both of them secretly wanted to preserve that moment for a little longer. Fate had other plans for them though. At that moment SHIELD personnel burst in. All guns cocked and guards on. Loki and Tony jumped up, instinctively holding tight to the other.

“Put your hands up,” a man ordered, when they didn’t move, he barked, “Now!” Tony and Loki slowly raised their arms, their hands still intertwined. “Good, now separate.”

They looked at each other and smiled, “No,” Tony said.

“What? I said, separate!”

“I heard you just fine and I said I will not,” Tony sassed back.

“We will use force if necessary, now do as I asked,” the guy repeated impatiently.

“What’s with SHIELD hiring dumbasses, I said I won’t,” Tony retaliated. Looking around they saw the other agents getting nervous and raising their guns slowly, Tony looked at Loki and nodded slowly.

Suddenly the air around them warped, green wind blew around them. Shots were fired but they didn’t seem to be getting past the wall of swirling air. Just like that, the air folded together and they were gone.

-HHHHH-

Tony laughed, “ Eat that bitches,” he screamed at the air, happy to get away at that little confrontation with SHIELD. Then he looked at Loki and his smile and mood dropped. He was clutching his stomach, blood running steadily through a hole in his side.

“No, no, no, come on, damn it! We got to get you somewhere safe,” he muttered, looking around. Wind whipped past his face as he looked out and down to the streets below. Metal fencing blocked access to the open air to where they would fall to their deaths down on the cement below. You could see the thousands of buildings branching off from the metal tower. Loki had brought them back to Paris. In any other circumstance, Tony would wait and admire the view but he was too scared of Loki dying. Already, the blood had soaked through his shirt and was dripping all over the floor. Tony took off his shirt and wrapped it around the wound tightly. Loki groaned in pain, “Watch it Stark,” he hissed.

“Sorry, I’m sorry, I have to stop the bleeding,” he whispered, holding on to the shirt with one hand and moved his other hand to one of Loki’s and gripped it tightly. It’s okay, I’m here, you’ll get through this… or else I won’t.

Groaning, Loki sat down, too weak now from blood loss to stand. “I-it’s alright I’m f-fine. T-this shouldn’t k-kill m-me.” Loki managed. It’s fine if I die, I just hope you won’t do anything stupid. “Just d-don’t die f-for me.”

“Come on, don’t say that,” Tony said, brushing Loki’s hair back from his face. “No no, come on. Stay awake, don’t close your eyes. No! Loki, look at me. Look. At. Me. You are not going to die.” He said shakily as Loki’s head lolled more to the side and he started closing his eyes more frequently. _Come on, please, not again, I can’t do this again._

“Stay alive for me would you?” Loki whispered, almost too quietly for Tony to hear over the roaring wind.

“No! Please, please no… ” Tony groaned, tears freely flowing from his eyes now. _I love you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorryyyyy, it will be fixed


	10. Goodbye to all those dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is me fixing the last chapter, angst at the start, it gets mildly better

Stark wake up, you need to go. Wake up NOW. “Yinsen!” Tony sat upright, hands touching cold concrete, looking towards his left where he thought he had heard his dead friend. _Damn it, without his pills, the illusions of Yinsen had come back. Every now and then he would hear him and look around confused. Loki would then sigh and hug him… Loki!_ Looking down he saw the lifeless body that was once a beautiful alive Asgardian lying in a dark pool of, blue? blood. After further examination, it didn’t look like the Loki he knew at all, the skin was a deep blue with marks of pale ice flowing down his cheeks and rest of the body. Tony expected that Loki had something that he was hiding from him as whenever Tony tried to ask, he always changed the topic. He didn't care though, didn’t care what race or thing he was because it didn’t matter anymore, nothing did. Loki was dead. And soon so would he.

 _I have to get the body somewhere… this will probably open soon and tourists probably wouldn’t like seeing a dead body._ Picking Loki up gently, he walked out from the viewing platform. "Stark, don’t forget who you are, think, use your mind." Yinsen's voice sounded again. “Shut up Yin,” he muttered as Yinsens voice traveled down the elevator with him. "No, Stark, you must think, who will be waiting down there for you?" “Shit.” As Tony realized what was going to happen he froze, tourists were there who were probably going to contact the police and SHIELD may even be down there. Clicking the up button they started ascending again. _Where would I go after though? It’s a dead end… wait no, there’s another place._ Arriving at the top be grunted, lifting Loki’s body up and walked around the tip, until he found the door. Ducking under the chains blocking access, he kicked the door, snapping the lock and pushing the door open. Then stepping inside, he closed the door, submerging himself in darkness, as his eyes adjusted, he found the light switch and turned it on, casting warm light over the old abandoned apartment. Gustave Eiffel has built this as a private apartment for him to stay in the 1890s. Now, it was Tony’s temporary secret home until he joined Loki. Once and for all, he was going to end this.

-HHHHH-

 _What’s the best way to die? Helping others, living a good life, doing something with it._ Tony laughed. _Not a joyous one, but a harsh soulless one. As I clearly haven’t lived a good one, a famous one will do. Just imagine the headlines… Tony Stark kills himself by throwing himself off the Eiffel Tower. Yea, that will have to do, after all, it’s all I have left. Pepper left me because she couldn’t handle me almost dying every time I went out, Yinsen died trying to save me, and Loki, oh god Loki, he… understood me, to where not even I did, and he died too, died trying to get us to safety. Are you happy Loki? You saved me, but, well, I can’t live the life you’ve given me. I’m sorry, everyone, that I can’t handle it._ "I'm sorry Loki," he whispered to the wind.

“What for?”

Tony jumped, surprised and lost his footing. Slipping down the side, he panicked until a strong thin hand grabbed his. He felt water dripping down his arms as he looked up. It was Loki, he was crying.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is from Loki's pov

_ Tony wouldn’t do anything stupid, at least not till he found a way to find him first, as, for the first time, he’d fallen too deep in love with someone to ever let go. Dying was… never something he thought would be an obstacle to reaching Tony, but here he was, walking the murky road to Hel, the darkness chasing him forward. He would return to him, no matter the consequences or hurdles. Forever.  _

-HHHHH- 

“Father, why are you here?” Hel greeted him at the gates to her realm. She gazing up at him with her mismatched features. Half of her body enchanting and blemish free, silky fabric flowing on her body, surrounding her with elegance and command. Her hair, black like night, flowed past her shoulders, pearls and diamonds glittered through the soft strands. On the other side, her skin was shriveled up and old. Sharp cheekbones showed through the semi-translucent skin, the bones cracked and deteriorating. Her hair was short and grey and the dress was rotting and yellowed. 

“I guess I died,” He answered softly, looking at her. 

“Come, we have many things to discuss,” she beckoned on to her castle on the other side of the fields of ghosts. Trapped under the ground they screamed up at the couple walking through them. Loki walking besides Hel as they chatted about how Midgard was and why Loki was dead. Soon they got to the cold obsidian castle, going in, they sat on some couches thrown in a corner. 

“Who is he?” was the first thing Hel asked when they sat down.

“What?” 

“Who. Is. He.” Hel repeated. 

“Um, how’d you know?” He asked, confused how he conveyed it. 

“I’m your daughter, I talk to you a lot and you’ve never been like this, so, who is it?” She said sympathetically. 

“Tony Stark,” he said softly, mind drifting.  _ It was never supposed to be that way though. He was supposed to never fall in love. Revenge on who made him lose, not to be someone that he had any other interest in, but, they connected in a way nobody else had with him. It felt  _ so _ good. To talk, cry, and laugh together. It felt so good…  _

“... want to go back?” Falling back to the present, he heard the last bit of what Hel was saying. 

“Um, sorry, what did you say?” he asked sheepishly.

“You weren’t paying any attention, were you?” She asked fondly shaking her head. “I said, if you really love him, I will give you a chance to go back.”

“Really? I mean, that would be amazing, actually. Can you do that? I thought it was more complicated. Like really, you don’t have to do that, I’ll find my own way back. You’ll get in trouble and... ” He rambled on, worrying about Hel and thinking how great that would be to just waltz back to the living and be with Tony.

“Yes, I technically can, and you seem like you would benefit from being with him. Be careful though, mortal lives are finicky and he will die before you.”

“I know, I don’t know how I’m going to deal with it… but that will be later, he will be mine for now. Thank you Hel, I owe you one.”


	12. Foreign love for two lost spirits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, this is the last chapter, so sad ;( Hope you have enjoyed it!

“I found you as you were about to jump, Hel had just let me back,” He finished, sitting back on the couch. After Loki caught Tony, he pulled him up and they probably just stayed wrapped in each other’s arms for hours, just holding each other, crying, and comforting the other. By then they silently agreed neither of them would do anything like that again to the other, it was too much for the other to bear. Afterwards, Tony had brought them back into the apartment and traded stories of what happened after they died. Loki told Tony about his trip to Hell, Tony about… Yinsen and carrying his body to the apartment and going out. 

“I’m sorry,” both of them said simultaneously to each other. They smiled. 

“Also, I forgot to ask you, but, while… while you were dead… um, why were you blue?” Tony tentatively asked. 

Loki stiffened, “You saw that?” he asked softly, looking away from Tony.  _ Oh god, what am I going to say! Will he stay, what will happen? Oh no.  _

“Yes… is… were… was that you?” Loki cringed at the way Tony asked that.  _ Nobody understands, I thought he would but apparently not.  _

“Yes,” He spat, “ _ That _ was me.”  _ That was something you weren’t supposed to see. _

“Oh… You’re not Asgardian are you?” Tony prodded further. 

“No, I’m not, I never was, why are you asking?” he responded coldly, glaring at Tony. 

“Because I was curious and I love you,” He answered softly.  _ I loved you, but you died. I love you and I hope you do too. _

“What?” Loki managed, shocked. Tony was supposed to hate him, hate him for dying, for giving up.  _ He loves me? No one has, no one. Is it true?  _ “Are you being serious?” He asked softly.  _ Please be real, I love you, please.  _

“Yes,” Tony answered.  _ Yes, I love you. Yes, it’s me. Yes, you’re not alone.  _

“I- I- I love you too,” Loki stammered.  _ Yes, thank you.  _ “I-” He started, but soft lips reached up to meet his, and he quieted, wrapped in the scent of Tony. They fell apart breathless, just staring into each other’s eyes. Tony then asked again, softer, “So, why were you blue? And it’s ok if you don’t want to tell me, I’m just curious about who you are since technically aren’t you my boyfriend now?” He grinned at the last part, trying to lighten the mood. 

Loki hesitated, but blushed at the last part. _Why am I blushing? I've never blushed... When you are with Tony Stark though I guess you always learn new things._ He smiled.  _ Boyfriend? I should tell him, he should know. Just… what if he won’t accept me anymore? Come on Loki, take a leap of faith. He trusts you right now, it might be the only time you can tell him. He might leave though if you tell him. He just kissed me, should I expect him to leave?  _ “Um, I- I am a frost giant, Odin found me and adopted me,” he stuttered, looking down, waiting for the shock, disappointment, something, it never came. He hesitantly looked up to see Tony crying. “What is it? Um, I’m sorry… ” Loki panicked, putting his arms hesitantly on Tony's shoulders. He didn't know what to do. Why was Tony crying? That was not a reaction Loki had even thought of. 

“No, its ok, I just… You have been talking to me about how you don’t like your dad Odin because he always discriminates you and never really care about you. I- You weren’t his birth son so he wasn’t as close to you as with Thor. I didn’t know you were adopted. I- Howard just didn’t want to deal with a small child, albeit a smart one. He was always too wrapped up in work and he never hung out with me. I realized you- I’m happy you had a good reason your father didn’t like you instead that you were just a nuisance like me.” Tony explained. “You lived a life where you didn’t know your birth parents and had to guess if they would love you or not. I did, they hated me. Maria tried a little, but Howard was never really accepting. I’m happy for you, in a way.”

Loki was stunned, he’d never thought about it that way and Stark had gone through just as many bumps with his family, his real family, Loki had quarrels trying to reach Odin’s standards, but still knowing he would never reach them. Tony lived in Howard's shadow, never something anyone else cared for, not even his father. “Can I hug you?” He asked tentatively. Tony nodded and sat next to Loki, head burying into his shoulder. They wrapped their arms around each other and silently, they knew. As long as they had the other, they had somebody to talk to, someone to truly understand them, and it was beautiful.

_ I will always love you. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want a sequel, give me a recommendation in the comments, I'm not sure how I'm going to write it, but I will try. You guys have been amazing and I love writing these. Thank you so much for supporting me. Hope you have enjoyed this fic!
> 
> -Stironstep

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me how you like it!


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